Hello guys, It’s been a while and I’m not quite sure how to best explain what’s been going on for me. So here is a synopsis:
1. When I first started the blog in 2017 I thought I was almost fully better. Although I am healthier than I was in 2012, I am still very much healing.
2. Things have been really difficult. My health has been bad and I have been hiding away.
3. I have learned that I am both scared of failure and scared of success.
4. I self sabotage.
5. Despite all of these things. I am here. I am more determined than ever to do this.
You haven’t heard from me because I haven’t been doing well. To be honest, I’ve been really struggling in many ways. Last July I made great progress when I altered my diet and added in specific supplements (will explain more in an upcoming post). I began to feel much better and friends began to comment on how healthy I was looking. This lasted for about eight weeks. I slowly became lazy, began to eat the odd food I shouldn’t etc. This, along with some challenges in my personal life meant I began to emotionally eat and before I knew it Christmas arrived. Up until then I had been eating plant based but family came down and I ate some chicken, cheese, chocolate and foods that aren’t good for health, along with wine and the odd coffee with Baileys. I went out on New Year’s and drank loads of gin. I woke up with a horrendous hangover, feeling anxious and remember thinking ‘This is not how I want my life to be.’ I was running from something inside and binging on numbing foods and alcohol so I didn’t have to face it.
But the things you don’t want to acknowledge always smack you in the face eventually.
I am only human. I mess up. I fail.
To be honest, I didn’t want to admit that I was doing sh*t. Especially because I receive messages about being a source of hope and inspiration from people that have taken Accutane and are suffering horrendous side effects. I had an internal voice asking me ‘How can I speak about health if I am not healthy?’
I have since realised that this is bullsh*t. This is pressure I put on myself. This is not the truth. I have come so far already but still have a long way to go and would absolutely love if you choose to come along with me and follow my journey. Being open and vulnerable with you isn’t easy, especially in the world we live in. There is so much pressure to ‘be perfect’ due to social media etc. that I feel authenticity and connection is needed more than ever. Taking this into consideration, I made a vow to myself to be the change I want to see.
Ignoring my blog and waiting for myself to be fully healthy before I share my story is stupid because if I only share the end result, you won’t see the journey. You will just see the end point and I will be projecting an image that is easy to do so because everyone finds it easier to project a healthy, happy, ‘perfect’ vision rather than a picture of truth, struggle and overcoming obstacles.
Over the past year, it has become obvious that I tend to procrastinate out of both fear of failure and fear of success. I realise this sounds like a paradox. There is a deep sense of worry within me. I have figured out that I’m scared of failing so I don’t begin anything that means a lot to me. I am also scared of taking on a heartfelt venture in case it takes off and I become really successful. For most of my life I felt like a risk-taker, a free- spirit, a wide- eyed adventurer. I’ve travelled quite a bit, I’ve bungee jumped, I love meeting new people and generally feel comfortable taking on new challenges. Lately it has become clear that this remains true, but on a much deeper level, I am scared.
YouTube can be a brilliant resource of uplifting and interesting info these days. I recently stumbled across a channel called ‘Yes Theory’ which I have found to be extremely inspiring! Basically it was made by a group of guys who became friends a few years ago and realised they had the same philosophy on life. They say ‘yes’ to things that challenge them and believe that life becomes richer and more beautiful when you push yourself outside of your comfort zone. When you do things that scare you. When you overcome fears. Their message resonated so deeply with me so I began to binge watch their videos and couldn’t stop! These guys have woken me up and inspired me to do a life ‘recheck.’ All of this chronic illness since 2012 has robbed me of many opportunities but I am determined to make something beautiful from all this pain. Something powerful. Something meaningful. I want to use my story to help others going through a similar experience. I highly recommend you check out their channel and as they say, ‘seek discomfort.’
I’m already working on the next blog post, I’ll fill you in on what’s been going on. I’ll speak about my struggle, current symptoms and what I’m doing to heal my body. In the meantime, I’m going to ‘clean up’ this blog and make the posts more accessible. I feel some of my most important posts are being missed due to the format of this site. I’m also going to create a corresponding Instagram account so people can follow my day to day life. In terms of this blog, I will be posting at least once a week. Although I’m hoping to post twice a week on Wednesday and Sunday.
On a final note, I write poetry in my spare time. If you would like to read my work, you can find me on Instagram @rebeccaryanpoetry. I’ve learned how important it is to focus on things we love rather than just our illness and the issues we face daily. Writing is an amazing release for me and actually lead me to meeting the love of my life (but that’s a story for another day!)
I’m really looking forward to connecting with you all again and will get back to any messages I’ve missed really soon. Thank you for your love, patience and for continuing to visit and support this page even though I’ve been inactive.
Wishing you health and healing,
1 thought on “I don’t know how to say this.”
So glad to see you again. You definitely nail it when you say you have come a long way and about projecting a “happy” lifestyle.
Will be here rooting for you.