Deep darkness- I hit a low point.

Hey guys, I can’t believe a week has passed since I last posted. I hope you’re all well and looking forward to the weekend. The sun is shining here in Cornwall and everything looks beautiful. My mood, on the other hand, hasn’t been so great for the past few days. After spending last weekend staying in Cheltenham with my friend Stacie and attending college in Bristol, I arrived back to Falmouth on Monday.

Please excuse the long and emotional post that follows, I feel I can’t talk about parasite cleansing until I let you know what’s been going on for me. I’m going to post about my parasite cleanse either later tonight or Sunday.

Well, I know I’ve just finished a 30 day parasite cleanse so it’s bound to have stirred things up but for the past few days, particularly yesterday and today, I’ve been feeling really low. Yesterday afternoon, I hit my lowest point in months. I felt tired, my body felt sore and my lymph nodes are swollen (but then again they have been swollen for the past month.) It’s a good indicator that my body’s trying to fight something off. Ever since taking Accutane (please see my posts titled Accutane- The Life Changer Part I and II for more info) I’ve felt as though I have a virus in my system and every now and then (when there’s increased stress/ cleansing) it becomes active. My body is so much stronger than it was but I still work on my health every single day. I’m used to some physical symptoms resurfacing every now and then as my body processes things and rebalances, especially during or just after a cleanse but the mental effects I experienced yesterday and today have caught me totally off guard.

Yesterday afternoon, I was hit with a tidal wave of emotion. Emotion that I wasn’t expecting or prepared for. My body felt crappy and my mental state usually dips when my body’s not feeling good. This, however was different. Thankfully for a long time now, my mood has been pretty stable and I don’t suffer from any anxiety anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I have challenging days and experience bad moods but that’s totally normal and nothing to be worried about. In general, I’ve been my usual social and outgoing self. Yesterday, the emotion I experienced felt beyond me and was a mixture between deep sadness, anger and utter frustration.

The floodgates opened up and I cried and cried and cried. I felt deep sadness at the situation I’ve had to deal with continuously over the past five years, all because of a pharmaceutical drug that I didn’t know existed before entering the dermatologist’s office. I cried over the time I’ve missed with friends, the stress I’ve caused my mum and sister, all the money that we (myself and my family) have spent on healthcare, food and supplements, the days I spent in bed, the times I tried to explain my situation to others and they didn’t/ couldn’t understand, the times I felt so ill I wanted to die, all the fevers, the vomiting, the skin rashes and all of the excuses I made in order to appear ‘normal.’ On top of feeling a deep sense of despair, I felt a huge amount of anger bubble up. Anger that I thought I had previously dealt with. This is difficult for me to share so openly but I literally felt like I wanted to kill the dermatologist and the manufacturers of Accutane. Of course, I would never really want to hurt anyone but when you find yourself in a desperate situation, it is only natural to seek accountability and strive for justice. Even more so, when you’ve spent years of your life trying to undo horrendous damage, caused by drug that is manufactured by an industry worth billions. I realise it was my decision to take Accutane but I was young, vulnerable and desperate at the time. The side effects were completely dubbed down and glossed over. Unfortunately, the analogy ‘selling rat poison disguised as candy’ comes to mind. With clever marketing and well-presented information, Pharmaceutical companies, in this case Roche have so much money to gain. It is us, the patients that end up gambling with our health as we strive for clear skin.

So I cried and cried and felt extreme anger surge through my veins. With makeup running down my face and my hood up, I decided to take the dog out. I did this for two reasons: 1. He needed a walk and was being so good and 2. I thought I urgently needed fresh air and a quiet space to think.

I’m sure people that passed me was wondering what was wrong but I didn’t really care. I walked through the park and ended up sitting under one of the blossom trees. A tree with beautiful pink blossom, all fresh and in full bloom. Sitting on the damp grass, I took a few breaths and managed to stop crying. I watched several thoughts come and go in my mind including ‘what’s the point in all of this?’ ‘I can’t be bothered’ ‘It’s been five years, give me a break’ and ‘how will people ever listen to someone like me?’

On a good day, I either don’t get these thoughts or if I do, the stronger and more positive side of me takes over and I know that really, everything is working out and that I just need to keep the faith. I remind myself how far I’ve come and treat myself kindly. However yesterday, they were pretty much all negative, self- doubt and sabotage-style thoughts.

I can’t say I felt way better leaving the park but I did feel a little calmer and OJ (my dog) was happy. Also, on top on cleansing I am due my period soon so am definitely feeling premenstrual. Maybe it’s been one big combination of things. My menstrual cycle has been on the long side (around day 43 to 47) for a few months. It tends to change depending on various factors but can lead to me feeling very emotional on the lead up.

Today hasn’t been much easier, I haven’t felt great. I’ve rested for most of the day and have eaten lightly. I’ve been noticeably quiet on social media and have blanked calls and texts from friends. I just needed some space. I’m feeling pressure because I have friends coming down for the weekend and they’re arriving tomorrow night to celebrate my friend Matt’s 30th birthday. I love them all so much and they mean the world to me but currently I’m not feeling the ‘party mood’ and wish I could be feeling differently. At the moment I’d love to just rest and have a quiet weekend. These guys are some of my best friends and I’ve known most of them for just over ten years now but I don’t talk to them much, if at all about my health issues and Accutane story. My best friend Jack (who I’ve been travelling with twice) is absolutely amazing but we have very different views on healthcare, medication, the holistic approach to health etc. I totally don’t mind having different opinions at all but sometimes I feel like I don’t even want to say that I’m not feeling great because it requires too much energy to explain why that is. Then when I do explain, I don’t really feel heard. I just don’t bother talking about my situation in depth with him which to be honest, makes me pretty sad. I don’t think he even realises it at times and to be fair I haven’t ever spoken really honestly and explained how I feel. He is totally exceptional and I know for a fact he cares about me so much. He’s always super supportive and we just kind of ‘get each other.’ We message almost every day and it’s even hard to articulate how much the friendship means to me. Jack has seen me at my worst, he saw me in South America when I was extremely unwell and my hair was falling out and he’s also seen me when I’m totally on top form and we have the best time, conversations and adventures together. He has supported and encouraged me through everything and I have unconditional love for him as a person.

This weekend may bring some things up. If the timing feels right, I’m going to speak to him about it. I’m not even complaining as he’s done nothing wrong but I’m starting to be completely true to myself. I’m tired of ‘dubbing down’ what happened and hiding the total truth from people out of fear of being misunderstood/ judged. As a matter of fact, this is my issue and an opportunity to learn and grow. I’m just going to be honest, speak kindly and see what happens.

Tomorrow, I’ll pull myself together, put some makeup on, smile and go out with my friends. It’s so easy to get caught up in everything but we all need to remember to be grateful for what we have and the people we have that love and support us. Just a few years ago, celebrating a friend’s birthday would have been out of the question so I’ve already made huge steps. It’s just my ego putting expectations on myself e.g. I need to look/ act a certain way in order to be good enough for my friends.

No. I AM GOOD ENOUGH. My friends love me just the way I am right now for being me. Life is too short to miss these special opportunities and I know that hanging out with them, even though I’ll be having a few drinks will probably do me more good than harm. I’ve had a rough few days but that’s just life. I’m still going and I’ll keep going. My perseverance is second to none and my focus to help others is what’s keeping me going through it all.

Tomorrow is a new day.

I just want to say to anyone reading this, that it’s ok not to feel great, to doubt yourself and your truth, to feel lost and to want to give up. We all feel this and have days like these. I encourage you to dig deep and find strength that you didn’t know you had until you pull it to the surface.

Be kind to yourself, be kind to others and do your best.

You are too special to hide away and dim your light!

I’ll post about parasite cleansing next- it was originally meant to be this post but I knew I needed to write to you from the heart again.

Sending you all so much love and a big hug,

Rebecca